Decluttering Drama

I don’t like drama, I avoid drama, and I try not to start drama. And I believe that avoiding certain types of drama can lead to a happier life. Drama is like Legos on the floor; messy, in the way, and constantly causing unnecessary pain.

Photo courtesy of my child’s floor

What is Drama?

Drama is usually referred to as more intense or emotional events/actions (think movies or books classified as dramas). When it comes to everyday life, there are two kinds: avoidable and unavoidable.

Unavoidable: you or someone you love gets sick, gets in an accident, is struggling with anything, etc.

Basically, sometimes life just happens, and crappy things happen that you can’t control.

Avoidable: cheating, lying, refusing to communicate, holding grudges, getting involved in things that aren’t your business, living your life to get the approval of others, etc.

You can control these things. All avoidable drama is rooted in unkindness. Some people seem to thrive on drama, but I’ve never met anyone like that who seemed kind or happy.

How Do I Recognize Drama?

Some people don’t recognize drama and always seem to be plunging into it. Others continually start drama fires, or at the very least, add to them. Here are some of the signs that you have avoidable drama in your life:

1. No matter where you live, where you work, or where you go, there’s always some drama happening.
2. Whether you’re an extrovert or an introvert, you tend to leave encounters with other people feeling drained and exhausted.
3. You get overly involved in other people’s lives, whether it’s your friends, celebrities, or just random people.
4. You have to know the details. If someone is going somewhere, you have to know why. If someone gets a notification on their phone, you want to know what it is, if it’s a text, if it’s a text, who’s it from? What did they say? Are you going to respond??

Here are some signs that you cause avoidable drama:

1. You lie, about anything or everything, big or little. Maybe not always, but enough.
2. You feel like your life, your stuff, is always the most important thing. Your life is center stage, and everyone else is background.
3. You don’t take responsibility for your own actions. You couldn’t help cheating, you just fell in love. X told you their secret and you had to tell/couldn’t tell Z. X totally wronged you, and you deserve to carry a grudge and complain to everyone about it. You’re lying for X’s own good. You have to do X, because if you don’t, Z won’t like you anymore.
4. You get a sense of power/satisfaction from creating drama.

I’m assuming if you’ve read this far, you have recognized some of the negative effects that drama is having on you, or you’re recognizing yourself in some of these signs.

Really, it comes down to a simple question: Does all of the avoidable drama in my life make me happier?

How Do I Get Rid of Drama?

If you’ve ever felt the satisfaction of getting rid of a bunch of junk, getting rid of drama in your life is even better. Here are a few concrete steps you can follow:

Self-evaluate

Do you cause drama, or just pile on?

If you cause drama, why?

If you pile on, why?

If you can afford a therapist, they can be great. If you can’t, write it out. Writing down all of your thoughts and feelings can be an excellent way to put down all of the jumbled pieces of your brain into one place, so you can see them and rearrange them until you’ve figured out how they fit.

Make a Current Drama List

List all of the ways that you are currently causing or helping drama. Figure out the best way to end your involvement.

Make a Drama Habits List

List all of the ways that you tend to cause or help drama; this will help you to see what your habit patterns are so you can learn to create new patterns instead.

Evaluate the People in Your Life

Are any of them toxic? By that, I mean do any of the people in your life make you feel bad about yourself, your life, or your choices on a regular basis? Sometimes it’s hard to recognize toxic people because sometimes they do make you feel good, or “that’s just the way they are,” “they didn’t mean it,” or “they’re having a rough time right now.”

Maybe they are having a hard time. Maybe they don’t mean it. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t hurting you on a regular basis. So, talk to them. You can do it in an email, on the phone, or in person. Be prepared that you might need to end that relationship, or at least really distance yourself. If this seems harsh, keep in mind that they are hurting you, even if it’s not on purpose. The relationship is not helping you. And letting them hurt you is not helping them, either.

If you think talking to them would make things worse, or you’ve talked before and it didn’t help, you can just gradually distance yourself.

*If the toxic person is dangerous, call a hotline and get some plans in place. Make sure to listen to your instincts and to make your safety a priority.

Toxic relationships are never healthy, happy relationships. They definitely don’t spark joy. Let go of them.

Not Toxic, Just Dramatic

You might have some relationships where the person isn’t toxic, they’re just always causing drama. At this point, you have a choice. Is this relationship worth preserving? Does this relationship help you to be a better person? Does it leave you time and energy for yourself and your other relationships? If it does, talk to them. They might surprise you. If not, maybe you should form some new relationships.

Staying Out of Drama

The trick now becomes staying out of drama. Here are a few specific things you can do:

1. When people try to share negative gossip, change the subject. Or you can say, “I don’t think that’s any of my business. Did you hear about ___?”
2. If you can’t get out of listening to someone’s drama, just listen. Don’t offer advice. Don’t try to fix it. Just listen. That’s probably all they really need anyway. Involving yourself in the problem will almost always make things worse. And besides, it’s not your problem. It’s theirs, and you can’t fix it for them.
3. If someone starts telling you something that is really none of your business (they or someone else is having an affair, is lying to someone, is cheating on their taxes, etc), interrupt them. Tell them, “This sounds like something I shouldn’t know, and that I’d rather not know.”
4. Take a social media break. If you’re on all the time, start with just 2–3 days. Take regular breaks to put things into perspective.
5. Limit your posting on social media. Do you need to share everything? If you’re sharing something, what are you hoping to get from it? Who do you really hope reads/sees it? If it’s a specific person, email them. If you’re using social media as a journal, start a journal instead, and only share selective entries. Figure out how often you post things or comment on posts, then downsize. If you’re currently commenting/posting 1–3 times a day, drop to 1–3 times a week.
6. Make friends with non-dramatic people. Learn their ways. Imitate them.
7. Keep things in perspective. Ask yourself, “Is this my problem to fix? Is this my business? Is this situation starting to resemble a soap opera or middle school?”

Remember, not everyone is going to like you. And that’s a good thing. If everyone likes you, you’re not being honest. Keep in mind, the only person that you are 100% certain to spend the rest of your life with is yourself. So make sure you’re happy with yourself. Once you’ve got that down, you can start finding people who like you the way you are, too.

You can further reduce drama in your life with mindfulness, meditation, exercise, etc. But none of those will help that much if you continually start or engage with drama. So, in the words of Bob Newhart, “Stop it!”